On Wednesday evening I attended Alison Armstrong’s free evening seminar entitled Making Sense of Men. Ladies, if you haven’t attended one of these evenings, give yourself a beautiful gift and go sometime! So much of your relationship history will suddenly make sense, and you’ll be able to let go of so much anxiety and tension around trying to understand the men in your life!

Every time I attend another one of these evenings, I peel back another layer of knowledge and understanding and shed some more armor. I want to share my thoughts about some concepts that struck a chord with me this time around–receptivity, criticism and change.

First, receptivity. I remember my mom teaching me about being gracious in accepting gifts, even if I hadn’t exactly been dreaming about a new pair of knee socks for Christmas, some one else had clearly been thinking about my well-being and the practicality of a day-to-day interest in my comfort. It was the thought that counts, I was told, and was instructed to compose some sort of suitable thank-you note to that effect. What I didn’t realize at the time was that she was preparing me for life in the real world. Sometimes when we think we want jewelry, we get knee socks; and typically the knee socks get a whole lot more use. There were days in Buffalo NY in winter I can tell you that I would have sold my jewelry in exchange for warm feet!

She was also preparing me for the more frequent task, and dare I say–spiritual practice–of being thankful for what you’ve got and expressing gratitude for all the gifts in your day-to-day life.

And, she was introducing me to one of the most valued queenly qualities a woman can possess in her interactions with men. The masculine part of the “hunter/gatherer” equation–the hunter–is compelled to provide for and protect the women he cares for. Instinctually, he spends his precious time and energy giving his gifts to the world to make it a better, safer, more comfortable place for his loved ones. This can manifest as something as basic as opening a door, offering his coat when it’s cold, bringing you your morning cup of coffee, or taking out the trash. Or, it can be as big as fighting a fire or paying the bills so that you all have a roof over your heads.

Something interesting has happened in our culture, though, that seems to have developed right along side of commercialization of holidays and homogenization of gender roles. Women have decided that they are supremely capable of taking care of themselves–not only can we do it, but we might even do it better. A phrase I hear frequently from girlfriends is “We don’t need no friggin’ men” as we waltz off to Home Depot ‘cuz as the ads say, “You can do it–We can help!”

When a man holds open a door for you, do you thank him or scowl? How many times do you say “No thanks” when a man offers to do something for you? Or offers you unsolicited advice? “Does he think I’m an idiot??” “Nope, got it. I can take care of myself.”

We worry about being obligated for services rendered, or don’t want to be in his debt. We wonder what we’d have to do to reciprocate or if we’d need to do so. We pick up the check on a date–we’re keeping score, of course, making sure everything is equal.

What we “liberated” women don’t realize is how frustrating, demeaning, and insulting our inability to receive is to men. When they want to do something nice for us, we give them the message that we don’t need them. Then we turn around and complain to our girlfriends that there aren’t any guys out there who are willing to be there for us when we need them. We complain that they don’t bring us flowers anymore, or take us dancing, or help enough around the house.

We drop hints, like “remember when we used to go for walks at the beach…” and we get a vague affirmation of the historic event. The problem is that we expect guys to behave like our women friends. Our girlfriends would “get a clue” and soon we’d both be heading to the beach together. But guys for the most part, don’t hear the request embedded in the statement like we do. At best they hear a fact about something that happened in the past (they’re very literal) or hear the whines that may have crept into our voices, and take it as a criticism.

Implicit in our refusal of men’s daily gifts to us is criticism. It just takes a moment and change of perspective to see it. Did you ever start dating a man and for the first couple of dates he opened the car door for you or walked you to your doorstep, but over time it seemed like he “doesn’t treat you with the same respect anymore.” Maybe, just maybe, review your behavior–Did you appreciate his early overtures and say so, or did you say something like, “oh, you don’t have to, I can get it,” even though you secretly relished the red-carpet treatment? It might not have happened for the reason you think it did (oh, well, at the beginning he was just trying to get into my pants…). Maybe, but what if he reacted to your behavior, your reaction of either refusing or belittling his effort.

Criticism, in case you haven’t figured it out already, doesn’t change a man. It just creates distance, frustration and the impulse to just give up. Hinting doesn’t work either–they frequently miss the reference–and not because they’re dumb or clueless–but because we aren’t being clear and straightforward with stating our needs and wishes.

What does work is being receptive, gracious, and appreciative of whatever they do that pleases us. Think about it. How difficult is it for you to be in the company of someone who’s overtly or covertly critical of you? How many times do you try to give something to someone who doesn’t want or need it, and tells you so! How many times are you rebuffed and refused before you stop trying?

Want to bring back the time when a man would help you on with your coat, give up his seat, open your door or bring you flowers? Want to create a world in which a man would tell you to put your feet up while he makes you dinner after a long hard day? Are you longing for romance and passion in your life?

Work on your receptivity! Your willingness to accept what is offered and to follow up with a statement about how pleased you were by the behavior. Appreciation is like rocket fuel for men. Begin acknowledging and thanking the men in your life for all that they do. Next time you’re in line at the coffee shop with a police officer, buy him a latte and thank him for making your world a safer place. Smile and tell him, “you’re my hero,” and watch as his chest puffs up. It all hinges on your ability to receive with graciousness–from the littlest kindness to the biggest gift. A gift implies a receiver. A present requires you to be present to the act of giving.

Ask for more than what you think they’re capable of, let them figure out how to provide it, and apply liberal appreciation for both their efforts and their achievements. The bigger the ask, the more you’re telling them that you think they are trusted, resourceful, able to take action, reliable, and capable. They WILL pick that up.

Men want the women they love to be happy. Let the man in your life know what will bring joy, pleasure and happiness to your life. Smile, jump for joy, taste the truffles and let him know how great they are through your body language and sexy “yummmmmms.” When you think they’ve provided something great, or have done something valiant to protect you or your family, surprise him with a great big hug and kiss out of the blue–”Just for being who you are in my life today.”

Let go of the criticisms, the jabs, the hinting, the whining, the nagging. Receive and appreciate instead, and watch your life change.