Every time I attend another one of these evenings, I peel back another layer of knowledge and understanding and shed some more armor. I want to share my thoughts about some concepts that struck a chord with me this time around–receptivity, criticism and change.

First, receptivity. I remember my mom teaching me about being gracious in accepting gifts, even if I hadn’t exactly been dreaming about a new pair of knee socks for Christmas, some one else had clearly been thinking about my well-being and the practicality of a day-to-day interest in my comfort. It was the thought that counts, I was told, and was instructed to compose some sort of suitable thank-you note to that effect. What I didn’t realize at the time was that she was preparing me for life in the real world. Sometimes when we think we want jewelry, we get knee socks; and typically the knee socks get a whole lot more use. There were days in Buffalo NY in winter I can tell you that I would have sold my jewelry in exchange for warm feet!

She was also preparing me for the more frequent task, and dare I say–spiritual practice–of being thankful for what you’ve got and expressing gratitude for all the gifts in your day-to-day life.

And, she was introducing me to one of the most valued queenly qualities a woman can possess in her interactions with men. The masculine part of the “hunter/gatherer” equation–the hunter–is compelled to provide for and protect the women he cares for. Instinctually, he spends his precious time and energy giving his gifts to the world to make it a better, safer, more comfortable place for his loved ones. This can manifest as something as basic as opening a door, offering his coat when it’s cold, bringing you your morning cup of coffee, or taking out the trash. Or, it can be as big as fighting a fire or paying the bills so that you all have a roof over your heads.

Something interesting has happened in our culture, though, that seems to have developed right along side of commercialization of holidays and homogenization of gender roles. Women have decided that they are supremely capable of taking care of themselves–not only can we do it, but we might even do it better. A phrase I hear frequently from girlfriends is “We don’t need no friggin’ men” as we waltz off to Home Depot ‘cuz as the ads say, “You can do it–We can help!”

When a man holds open a door for you, do you thank him or scowl? How many times do you say “No thanks” when a man offers to do something for you? Or offers you unsolicited advice? “Does he think I’m an idiot??” “Nope, got it. I can take care of myself.”

We worry about being obligated for services rendered, or don’t want to be in his debt. We wonder what we’d have to do to reciprocate or if we’d need to do so. We pick up the check on a date–we’re keeping score, of course, making sure everything is equal.

What we “liberated” women don’t realize is how frustrating, demeaning, and insulting our inability to receive is to men. When they want to do something nice for us, we give them the message that we don’t need them. Then we turn around and complain to our girlfriends that there aren’t any guys out there who are willing to be there for us when we need them. We complain that they don’t bring us flowers anymore, or take us dancing, or help enough around the house.

We drop hints, like “remember when we used to go for walks at the beach…” and we get a vague affirmation of the historic event. The problem is that we expect guys to behave like our women friends. Our girlfriends would “get a clue” and soon we’d both be heading to the beach together. But guys for the most part, don’t hear the request embedded in the statement like we do. At best they hear a fact about something that happened in the past (they’re very literal) or hear the whines that may have crept into our voices, and take it as a criticism.

Implicit in our refusal of men’s daily gifts to us is criticism. It just takes a moment and change of perspective to see it. Did you ever start dating a man and for the first couple of dates he opened the car door for you or walked you to your doorstep, but over time it seemed like he “doesn’t treat you with the same respect anymore.” Maybe, just maybe, review your behavior–Did you appreciate his early overtures and say so, or did you say something like, “oh, you don’t have to, I can get it,” even though you secretly relished the red-carpet treatment? It might not have happened for the reason you think it did (oh, well, at the beginning he was just trying to get into my pants…). Maybe, but what if he reacted to your behavior, your reaction of either refusing or belittling his effort.

Criticism, in case you haven’t figured it out already, doesn’t change a man. It just creates distance, frustration and the impulse to just give up. Hinting doesn’t work either–they frequently miss the reference–and not because they’re dumb or clueless–but because we aren’t being clear and straightforward with stating our needs and wishes.

What does work is being receptive, gracious, and appreciative of whatever they do that pleases us. Think about it. How difficult is it for you to be in the company of someone who’s overtly or covertly critical of you? How many times do you try to give something to someone who doesn’t want or need it, and tells you so! How many times are you rebuffed and refused before you stop trying?

Want to bring back the time when a man would help you on with your coat, give up his seat, open your door or bring you flowers? Want to create a world in which a man would tell you to put your feet up while he makes you dinner after a long hard day? Are you longing for romance and passion in your life?

Work on your receptivity! Your willingness to accept what is offered and to follow up with a statement about how pleased you were by the behavior. Appreciation is like rocket fuel for men. Begin acknowledging and thanking the men in your life for all that they do. Next time you’re in line at the coffee shop with a police officer, buy him a latte and thank him for making your world a safer place. Smile and tell him, “you’re my hero,” and watch as his chest puffs up. It all hinges on your ability to receive with graciousness–from the littlest kindness to the biggest gift. A gift implies a receiver. A present requires you to be present to the act of giving.

Ask for more than what you think they’re capable of, let them figure out how to provide it, and apply liberal appreciation for both their efforts and their achievements. The bigger the ask, the more you’re telling them that you think they are trusted, resourceful, able to take action, reliable, and capable. They WILL pick that up.

Men want the women they love to be happy. Let the man in your life know what will bring joy, pleasure and happiness to your life. Smile, jump for joy, taste the truffles and let him know how great they are through your body language and sexy “yummmmmms.” When you think they’ve provided something great, or have done something valiant to protect you or your family, surprise him with a great big hug and kiss out of the blue–”Just for being who you are in my life today.”

Let go of the criticisms, the jabs, the hinting, the whining, the nagging. Receive and appreciate instead, and watch your life change.

The energy is beginning to build. Last Friday a group of us gathered at Maria’s home to craft some beautiful beaded necklaces and to prepare other items for the ceremonies we will conduct together and gifts for the elders who will be teaching and leading us. Then, on Saturday, the women of the Kokua Society (”helping hands” production group) met to receive our ceremonial roles. I will be serving as a guardian of the Bear Clan. Sunday, I went on Vision Quest to receive further guidance from Spirit regarding both my role during the pilgrimage and my path in the future.

Here is the story of my Vision Quest:

My vision quest began on a beautiful summer’s day, with bright blue skies and wispy white clouds that looked like birds, flying out from a central point. I went to Mission Trails Park because I was called to do my vision quest near water and I knew a sweet spot on Lake Kumeyaay , near the campgrounds at Mission Trails.

When we arrived, I gave offering and asked permission of the land to do my quest. A bullfrog answered immediately. We walked through the campground area and around the lake, marveling at the clouds in the sky. Each end of the multiple clouds looked like a bird’s head with trailing feathers. We got near the spot I was thinking of, and asked again if this was the proper place, and a dragonfly whizzed up. I offered cornmeal blessing and found a place to sit right at the water’s edge. Just as I sat, a sharp-shinned hawk flew across the lake from south to north, and within seconds, a yellow and black swallowtail butterfly almost landed on me.

The lake was teeming with life. There was a bunch of rabbits playing on the trail on the opposite side of the water, running back & forth across the path. A mother duck and her four baby ducks were paddling in the water very close by. The mother duck stayed close to me for most of the first two hours of the quest, sleeping with her head tucked under her wing.

There were cormorants—a pair of adults opening their wings, and several babies that bobbed by. A large beautiful snowy white egret was in attendance across the water, showing itself and flying by several times. After we got settled, there was a bullfrog chorus from all around the little section of the lake where we were sitting. Dragonflies were flitting everywhere—blue beauties with iridescent sparkling wings. Many were mating. Two were laying eggs, I believe, for several hours, on the lily pads about 2 ½ feet away from me. A small gray bird, no bigger than your fist and very skinny with a white belly, came to sit in the willow tree right over head and stayed for a few minutes. I don’t know what kind of bird it was. My guardian reported another larger gray bird on the trail nearby at about the same time, and shortly thereafter a water rat or rodent of some kind scurried across the path.

Some white and yellow butterflies flitted by occasionally, stopping to light on a couple of bright yellow flowers near the reeds. There were frogs and minnows in the water, as well as what a fisherman later called bass, but I think they may have been trout. They would swim together in twos or threes and occasionally break the water with a gentle splash. A really vocal black duck with a red beak kept “laughing” at points where my thought process got too heavy. There were a few ants, but they left us alone, as did other insects, while we were there. My guardian saw honey bees up near his post. I saw a june bug or two. There were cicadas in the trees, humming along. One of the ducks would let the current carry it nearby, then flap its wings noisily skimming the water with it’s wings flapping into the water to get back to the open lake area and then do it all over again.

When I asked about my role in the ceremonies to come on pilgrimage, I noticed the lake became very calm, where a breeze and current had been rippling the water previously. The bullfrog chorus chimed in from all around the lake near me, and I took that as confirmation of the ceremony I will participate in at Chimayo. It made me smile. The bullfrogs only croaked on occasion, few and far between–it was clearly in response to my question.

As I asked about my life’s path and left the teachings open to nature to respond, I saw a reed floating down the waterway. It was covered in bright sparkling green moss. It slowly made its way closer to me. As it neared the shore, it hit an old stump in the water. For several minutes the reed stick was perpendicular to the stump and it appeared to be stuck. But, slowly and surely, the current began to move the stick, it turned to the right and then ran parallel to the obstruction for a while, before, turning around again, freeing itself from the stump and continuing downstream. This was a lesson for me in patience, waiting, gentleness, ease & grace, and trust that obstructions in my path are not permanent obstructions. The stick didn’t have to do anything to get around the stump, the water carried it in time. No struggle, just calm waiting and trusting–everything changes; it’s always changing.

Later in the day, a hawk was fishing, I think, as it dove in & out of the taller eucalyptus trees across the lake. From time to time, I heard other hawks and saw some soaring in the distance over Cowles Mountain. The higher the sun got, the more clearly I could see under the water and concentrate on where the fish were playing. There weren’t very many people who came by. Only three small groups that I recall, and they didn’t stay long. We had closed the road with cornmeal on arrival.

Across the way, a couple of fishermen came later on. That was the signal to me that the quest was done. They were talkative and spoke a lot about how the lake and its creatures had changed over time. That the lake used to be higher, there were more fish and birds, more crayfish (one’s son caught a crayfish as they were speaking). I kept “talking” to the fish about how I knew they were too wily to be caught. It was funny because they’d move where the line was not being cast and would splash the water, just to let us know they were still there. When I asked my guardian what time it was, it was 1:11. Time to pack up.

As we were leaving the beautiful white egret may a last circle around the lake to bring the session to closure, just as it had begun. I made offering again, to thank the land.

Just as we were about to get into the car to come home, a gorgeous red shouldered hawk came into view. It circled close overhead with a beautiful display of its feathers against the brilliant, hot sun. Confirmation.

The biggest thing that kept running through my mind, was why didn’t I do this more often? It was such a calming and enriching experience. Just doing nothing but being a part of nature and appreciating the infinite beauty all around me, in all its various manifestations. I remembered asking my dad when I was 6 or 7 when we were out at a lake one day, why he went fishing on Sunday mornings instead of coming with us to church. I’ve never forgotten his answer. He said, “This is my church.” Aho.

Fog Runner Thunderhoof
Cynthia/Kaliani

Men are frequently frustrated when a woman asks them a question.  Not by the question, but by what happens next.  Typically a woman will ask a question, something like, “Where would you like to go on our vacation this summer?”  The man gives this question serious thought and consideration.  He knows the answer matters to his partner and wants to provide a good answer.  He also, in this case, is being given an opportunity for self-expression.  So, the man “puts on his thinking cap.”

The woman waits a little while for his answer, but to her it seems like a long time has passed and she’s worried about why he didn’t answer right away.  She thinks maybe he didn’t hear the question or didn’t get it.  So, she interrupts his thought process with a clarification of her question.  “Would you like to go to the beach again?”

The man then attempts to take in this new question/information.  His thought process is actually interrupted and derailed by the second question.  He now has to incorporate a response to the second question along with his original response that was in the process of being formulated already.

Well, to the woman, the time it takes for this process is entirely too slow–if she’d asked this question of her girlfriend she’d have a few options on the table by now.  She thinks, well, maybe “essay” questions are a little too hard for him, perhaps it’s time for “multiple choice.”  She interrupts his thought process again, this time suggesting a few options to choose from, like “Well, if you don’t want to go back to the beach this summer, maybe we could take a camping trip in the mountains, or would you like to do something completely different and go to Hawaii?”

By now the options offered by the woman could be so completely off the track from the man’s original answer that it seems hopeless to him to explain his original answer now.  Usually at this point, he’ll say “forget it” or “never mind” and look really annoyed.  It’s likely he’ll just choose one of the options you mentioned, just to avoid having to explain it all, because it’s so difficult to get his ideas on the table.  And the woman later complains to her girlfriends that “He’s just so uncommunicative!”

What she doesn’t realize is that her constant interruptions, new questions, clarifications and options derail his thought process.  It isn’t that he doesn’t have a preference, opinion, or ideas.  It’s that she hasn’t waited long enough for him to develop those ideas and present them back to her.  His self-expression is cut off at the pass.

There is a better way for women to listen to men.  It’s called Waiting for the Well.  I’d love to share it with you.  Sign up for my Relationship Study Group–under the Events Tab.

Listen to her talk about making a relationship last:

How it helps when women receive in a delighted fashion:

And, about Finding Mr. Right: